Your children are watching you (especially in breakdown)

I wish it could always be beautiful pictures of our perfect times together. Endless beach scenes upon numerous vacations upon perfect family dynamics. Good feeling, squishy perfect family memories to be instagrammed to look back upon in fifty years and remember fondly. I wish it could always be like that.

But that’s just not real.

Real is drama happens.

I don’t want to go into specifics of my current dramas. But there was a scene recently that I was impacted greatly by.

There was a moment when we could have reacted without thinking, where we could have cast angry words into the world and really put the “nail to the coffin”. There we were, filled with angry and hurt emotions and responding back to the conversation. My husband is typing away and I say to him, “Imagine if this is the last conversation you have with *****, what do you want to say? Do you want your last words to be of anger or out of love? What if this person dies tomorrow, how are you going to feel about the words you put out there?” and then I asked him,”I know how angry and hurt you are, I am too, but do you love *****?” and he said,”Yes.”

“Then your words should reflect your love and possibility you have for the relationship. No matter what the outcome, you’ll know you put your best self out there.”

He knew I was right and he completely rewrote the email. The email said he did not want to create space and he wanted to work through the breakdown and ended with “I Love You”

I looked up and my 14 year old was listening in on our conversation.

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Reality. The End of Future Baby.

There’s a reason why you should keep your mouth shut about your pregnancy till your past 12 weeks because life happens… or doesn’t happen.

 My husband, S and I went to our 8 week appt. The first! The one where you get to hear and see the little baby you have been imagining in your head. We went through 90 minutes of it and then the grand finale, The Ultrasound!

 Our doctor is guiding us through the ultra sound. Here’s your uterus and, here’s the baby and then she stops, her facial expression changes to searching and a little puzzled and then a little panic, and I know.

 “What’s wrong?”

 “I see the baby but I can’t find the heart beat”.

 REALITY.

 She showed us what she was seeing on the monitor. There was the baby and no heartbeat. No blood moving to and from the baby. She brought in another doctor for a 2nd opinion. I went into surgery the next day and been recovering ever since. We are all ok, obviously it’s a sad situation but we have a handle on things. I am “advanced maternal age”, statistically it’s 1 in 3 pregnancies with this result. 

 That being said I need to change the name of my blog. I have decided to change it to “Two Birds”. I know once I lose my url I may lose some content. Hopefully you can find me after the switch which will slowly transition over the next week.